Everything between September 1–December 31 is officially horror-movie territory for me. Christmas. Harvest Moon. Thanksgiving. Motherfucking HANUKKAH. My friend Nathan’s about to unleash his new list of must-see films for the season on his site 30 Days of Horror, which is the happiest time of the year for me, but the more horror movies I watch, the less I am scared. So here’s a short collection of horror movie plots that would actually scare me.
• Grandma invites everyone over for freshly baked bread. Family enjoys freshly baked bread. Granddaughter says she wants more bread, but looks in cupboard and doesn’t see any yeast. Grandma laughs maniacally. Family gets “chilly spine,” and Grandma says, “My dear, I use my own special ingredients for that…” WHERE DID SHE GET THE YEAST? Granddaughter vomits. Everyone else vomits. Nobody stops vomiting for 90 minutes. (title: “Grandma’s Bread Basket”)
• Young woman drives to cabin in the woods to work on book about Harry Houdini’s alopecia (“Hairy Who-didn’t??”). Sigh, sweet seclusion, until she arrives at the cabin, and it’s filled with “Step-Dads.” Woman must spend next three days defending her views on gun control, abortion, and legitimacy of mom’s dancing classes to men named Ron/Rod/Wayne/Wade. (title: “Dad Cabin”)
• Nest of baby spiders hatches from a bicycle fender while gorgeous spritely woman rides said bike to a glamorous Murder, She Wrote live-tweet event on York Boulevard. She convinces herself it’s just her extra-long leg hair blowing sweetly in the breeze, but motion-sensor lights at destination reveal hundreds of baby spiders furiously spinning her and bike into their web cocoon, all of them whispering, “Mother, mother, stay with us here for forever.” Based on a true story. (title: “I’m Never Sleeping Again”)
• Woman takes waitressing job. (title: “It Is What It Is”)
• Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Seriously. (title: “Where Are the Presents?”)
• Woman walks to park to enjoy lovely sunny day with technically detailed Tom Clancy espionage thriller. Everyone says “What’s up, girl” like they really mean it, and Publishers Weekly review is completely spot-on for Clancy’s military science storylines (5 STARS!). Suddenly, four dogs start humping in bichon frise flurry. One licks woman’s arm while getting it from behind. No visible owners trying to stop it AT ALL. (title: “Put Your Dogs on a Fucking Leash”)
• Amateur karaoke singer jokingly sings Train’s “Drops of Jupiter,” only to realize halfway through the song, it’s not a joke anymore… (title: “Love, Like, Fried Chicken”)