The Collective Unconscious Wants a Bigger Penis.

Banana head is a great touch. THIS GUY IS A GENIUS.

Banana head is a great touch. THIS GUY IS A GENIUS.

I’m looking for jobs on Craigslist again. It’s a soul-crushing activity to scour the “writing/editing” section of the LA site. LA doesn’t want writers; they want content editors. But I can thank the LA Craigslist, because it’s where I found this guy. He needed a book editor. Seriously, the guy really needs a book editor. Here’s one of my favorite passages from a book entitled, EVERYBODY HAS THOSE THOUGHTS: It Doesn’t Mean You’re Gay:

“Jack was very sad. He was so sad he didn’t even know he was crying.

“Jack rocked himself back and forth on the swing in his backyard. It was the swing that he and his friends hadn’t used since they were 12. The only reason why Jack, now 13 years old, had returned was because it helped to lessen his sadness.

“Jack’s dad, dressed like how a doctor dressed when they came home from work, entered the backyard.”

Amazon only lets us see those first two pages, but I’m going to take a guess that the kid had some dirty thoughts about boys, and was really into how his dad dressed so casually, like how a doctor does when he gets home from work, that he just had a minor fascination with men and wasn’t really gay, and everything was OK.  As per usual, I’m going to back up here.

The hose?!?!

The author, Cristian YoungMiller, is famous. He has 9 bestselling books, of which are included (parentheses are mine):

1. Everybody Masturbates (and poops)

2. Everybody Masturbates for Girls (or, Why Punctuation Matters)

3. Everybody Has Those Thoughts: So It Doesn’t Mean You’re Gay (but it might also mean that you’re a little bit gay)

4. Happiness May Vary (and appear closer than it is…I know this Meatloaf song!)

5. Everybody vs. the Ferret 1 (I don’t like them, but I never felt the need to gang up on them.)

6. Everybody vs. the Ferret 2 (Twice? Wait, is this about gang-banging? A recent post on his blog says he’s begun Everybody vs. the Ferret 3, but has suddenly lost his writing mojo. Also, his blog is called

7. Fixing Cupid (with a rich beef bouillabaisse)

8. The First Day After Life (something about a psychic motorcyclist with crotch-length leathers and an energy bar…a lot of problems with tone in this one.)

And this next one is where Cristian YoungMiller has garnered most of his fame.

9. Happiness Thru the Art of… Penis Enlargement: A ‘Novel Guide’ to Jelqing, the G-Spot, How to Last Longer in Bed, and Other Sexual Secrets (I feel like he kind of covered all the sexual secrets I know of, even ones I didn’t know)

On his Amazon page, YoungMiller states that his Youtube videos on Jelqing (which I learned is actually the term for penis enlargement, and perhaps you already knew that, and I hope you did, because that’ll work into the next portion of this essay) have received over 3 million views. Now even if only 1 million people watched his videos 3 times each, that’s still 1 million people who have really paid attention to what Cristian YoungMiller is preaching. Contrary to what you might think, the guy is pretty fucking smart, just not smart in your normal way. His bio says he’s a TV writer (not unlikely, considering how shitty most TV is), and it also says he’s worked for Disney. This explains a few of my questions, and then just when I say, “Oh,” I’m like, “Wait, what the fuck?” (See picture below)

I question if you’d want to take yours to DisneyWorld as a companion if you didn’t have to. I might leave mine at home, so I wouldn’t lose it in the leaning tower of Cinderella’s Castle, which is where I spend most of my time. (If you can’t see the picture clearly, please click on the link to view the book’s Jelqed cover. It’s worth it.)

Let’s talk about Cristian’s big novel, which I’ll just call “Jelqing.” YM made a video on his Amazon page. The whole video is tremendously interesting, but if you skip to around 1:10, his elliptical interviewer asks him why he decided to write “Jelqing” as a novel. I was like, “Wait, what the fuck?” Apparently, the British-standard single quotations surrounding “Novel Guide” meant that this is actually a novel. So let’s hear how Cristian answers this:

I thought the easiest way to talk about whether or not you should increase the size of your penis was to include the information in a fictional form or story, and the story is about Ben, a relatively good-natured guy who spends his entire life with an alcoholic, verbally abusive penis. His name is “Tha Brotha.” Very early on in the story, both Ben and the brotha realize they are unhappy with their life, and they decide to do whatever is necessary to become happy.

Yes. That is the easiest way to talk about whether or not you should increase the size of your penis. I know that when I’m talking with friends about important things in my life, things that might be sensitive, like whether or not I should have children, I like for my friends to sit me down and tell me a story about an alcoholic, verbally abusive fetus and the trips we take to DisneyWorld, and that’s usually how I figure things out. I mean, what’s the point in just tackling this shit straight-on? Let’s just insert the issue into borderline schizophrenic magical realism and call it a day.

Seriously, you’ve gotta watch that video and read his blog. I can’t stop. And once you start, you won’t be able to stop either. You might even reference this guy at a party when you run out of Jungle Juice, and you get stuck next to someone’s recovering alcoholic brother someone brought with them to ease him back into “healthy partying.”

Carl Jung speaks of the collective unconscious like this:

“My thesis then, is as follows: in addition to our immediate consciousness, which is of a thoroughly personal nature and which we believe to be the only empirical psyche (even if we tack on the personal unconscious as an appendix), there exists a second psychic system of a collective, universal, and impersonal nature which is identical in all individuals. This collective unconscious does not develop individually but is inherited. It consists of pre-existent forms, the archetypes, which can only become conscious secondarily and which give definite form to certain psychic contents.”

Many people misread what he’s saying here. New Agers try to co-opt his research and use it to justify a full-on psychic existence (much like the psychic motorcyclist in YM’s book), but in reality, Jung was making a point that because we have co-evolved, we have reservations in our brains, pockets which have connected neurons in a similar fashion to our neighbors, family, and friends, much in the same way that most of us don’t have lizard eyelids and do have opposable thumbs. Because these pockets in our brains have co-evolved, we are also likely to read, understand, and disseminate information in similar ways, and by information, I mean anything from your Channel 8 news to the way wind ripples through tree branches in fall. All of this is information that is processed, and while there is a certain bit of “psychic” elemental possibility, it’s more just your average everyday-psychic at work, just watching her stories, smoking her cigs, waiting for someone to ring the bell so you can tell ’em what they already know. We’re smart. We’ve evolved. And what do we want?

We want Jelqing. I feel like we talk about the dissemination of information through the youtube and facebook phenomenons like 24/7. Yeah, a lot of people watch something or know something, and we’re all hooked up to the same slipped-culture IV. Whatever. But what I’m interested in isn’t necessarily the in-the-moment analysis of how many people (maybe 3 million, maybe 1 million three times) have watched Cristian YoungMiller’s Youtube sensations. What I’m interested in is how this is actually changing out brain pockets in the next 10 years. What I’m expecting is to be standing at the train station (maybe a high-speed rail that stretches the West Coast!!!?!??), and just below the horizon is a rectangular plasma screen that simply says, “Are you Jelqing?” (Maybe below that in tiny letters, it’ll also say, “I’m Jelqing like Majellan” or something…) There will be no need to explain to your children what Jelqing is or who the ferrets are and why everyone is against them. We’ll just know. And is there a way to pinpoint these moments when our consciousness has changed? Here’s an activity for you to do: take one thing today–one phrase you hear, one common car, one haircut–and think back to when it didn’t exist. How evolved does it make you feel?

Got Jelqing?


4 responses to “The Collective Unconscious Wants a Bigger Penis.

    • Thank you so fucking much for looking at the covers of these novels. I cannot figure out why he chose fruitheads for characters. Is this a statement about our homophobia? How do we decide who gets the banana and who gets the strawberry and who has to deal with the ferrets?

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